You can love people and still outgrow the season you shared with them. Boundaries protect who you’re becoming — not just where you’ve been.
By Darrell Jamison, LCSW-C, MSW
Growth isn’t always pretty. Sometimes it looks like outgrowing patterns, habits, environments — and even relationships. We often imagine growth as a peaceful, uplifting journey, but real change can create tension, especially when the people around us are not changing at the same pace.
Some people help us reach important stages in our lives, but that doesn’t always mean they’re meant to walk the entire journey with us. As we evolve, it’s natural to want the people we care about to come along — but when they’re not ready or willing to grow, we end up feeling pulled between our progress and our loyalty. That internal conflict may show up as frustration, resentment, guilt, or confusion.
This is where boundaries become essential — not as rejection, but as self-respect.
Boundaries are an act of love — for yourself and for the relationship. They help you maintain your growth without forcing others to grow before they’re ready.
Why Boundaries Feel Hard
Boundaries can feel uncomfortable because they challenge:
- Our fear of disappointing others
- Our desire to be liked, accepted, or included
- Our belief that distance means disloyalty
But here’s the truth:
You can love someone deeply and still choose not to shrink yourself to stay beside them.
Your growth should not require your disappearance.
Signs It’s Time to Set Boundaries
You may need boundaries if you notice:
- You feel drained after interacting with someone
- You feel guilty for prioritizing your needs
- You minimize your accomplishments to avoid “making others uncomfortable”
- You find yourself repeatedly explaining, defending, or justifying your growth
- You feel emotionally pulled back into old patterns
If this sounds familiar — it’s time.
How to Implement Boundaries (Step-by-Step)
1. Identify What’s Changing in You
Ask yourself:
- Who am I becoming?
- What habits, environments, or conversations no longer align with that?
Write it down. Clarity is the foundation of boundaries.
2. Name the Behavior, Not the Person
This lowers defensiveness and keeps the focus on the issue.
Instead of:
“You’re holding me back.”
Try:
“I’m focusing on healthier decisions, so I need to limit conversations that revolve around drama or negativity.”
3. State Your Boundary Clearly
Boundaries need to be simple and direct.
Examples:
- “I won’t discuss that topic anymore.”
- “I’m limiting my availability after 8 PM.”
- “I need space to focus on my own growth right now.”
Do not over-explain.
Clarity is kindness.
4. Follow Through Consistently
The boundary is not what you say, it’s what you enforce.
If you set a boundary but continue to allow violations, it’s no longer a boundary — it’s a suggestion.
Consistency builds:
- Peace
- Self-trust
- Respect (from yourself and others)
5. Release the Guilt
Growth can feel like loss, but it’s actually expansion.
You’re not abandoning anyone — you’re honoring your journey.
Repeat to yourself:
“I can love others and still choose myself.”
Closing Reflection
Growth gets uncomfortable when your soul is moving forward but your circle stays still. Some people are meant to be part of your rise — but not your destination. Boundaries help you hold onto your progress without forcing others to change before they’re ready.
You can thank the past, appreciate the role people played in your life, and still step into your future.
Boundaries protect the future version of you that you are working so hard to become.